Therapist Corner: What Shapes A Healthy Growth Context?
This blog is intended for reflection and informational purposes and is not a substitute for counselling or mental health care. Some topics explored here may bring up personal or emotional responses. You’re encouraged to move through this content at your own pace and pause if something feels overwhelming.
Reading this blog does not create a therapeutic relationship. If something stirred up here feels difficult to manage on your own, consider reaching out to someone you trust, your family doctor, or a qualified counsellor for support.
Examining How We Grow
Ongoing growth across our lifespan can bring a wellspring of health benefits, not to mention be enjoyable, inspiring, community-building, and beneficial for those we are connected with too. Continuing to grow and adapt is vital. However, our mindset, experiences, and role models for growth shape how we approach this process and whether it is nourishing or life-sucking.
For this and the following blog, I'll be reflecting on my own growth context to explore these factors. We won't explore strategies for growth---while important there is an overload of that information available. Instead, we'll notice what self-awareness around growth can look like and how to get curious about the process itself. We'll start with the nourishing side in this blog and look at what can become toxic in the next one.
What Nourishes Healthy Growth?
When I slow down and I look at the 'growth context' in my life, I first notice two groupings that seem highly nourishing: factors that remind me I'm safe enough to risk, and factors that nudge me forward into the unknown (though these often overlap). The 'safe enough' ones I noticed look like:
Knowing I'm secure with others, that there's a few people who know me deeply and love all of me. It's unconditional. I notice a sense of strength and anchoredness here.
Having peers who know my values and deeply encourage me to live by them.
Ample quiet space, scheduled margin, and exercise that helps my body and mind remember I'm ok.
Role models who have shown compassion for themselves and others, helping me relate kindly with my own effort. There's been a shift toward less pressure, less perfectionism, and more joy here.
Experience in adult life that if I fail, I will be loved---maybe teased---but never outcasted.
Writing these out, I notice how de-escalated growth can become. For many of us, growth carries a threat-like level of pressure---maybe along the lines of "I have to be perfect at____ or people will realize I'm a failure" or "I suck, maybe if I achieve _____ I'll finally be ok".
While I can get pulled into these mindsets way more than I'd like, reading over my 'safe enough' resources let me notice how other mindsets have become stronger. Ones like "I don't have to be perfect, I actually like myself as-is" or "If I really mess up, that'll be scary, but I know so-and-so will be waiting with a huge hug".
The second area of nourishing factors were ones that seemed to nudge me, either internally or externally:
Curiosity to find out more and explore an idea, skill, or experience with wonder.
Seeing the challenge: becoming aware of a difficult area I want to move toward.
Sometimes, a goal. While it's not always needed or helpful, for certain types of growth this helps me focus and enjoy the process.
Compassion, care, and love. These nudge me to address my shortcomings that either prevent me from being with others wholeheartedly or that negatively impact them.
Being surrounded by others with passion for what they do and value.
Intentionally taking in books and podcasts that are meaningful, at a rate that is digestible.
Overarching balance: When the parts of me that hold determination, resilience, and persevering grit can team up with the wise, measured, self-compassionate side. Especially in the face of pain or discomfort, this integrated experience can propel me forward while knowing I'm not ignoring one side of the situation.
Healthy teasing, especially from someone just a little better than me in an area.
Being invited into a challenge by another who sees my potential.
Again, looking over this second area of 'nudges' I notice how much safety shapes things. Without it, so many of these pieces could become hijacked by anxiety, perfectionism, and self-criticism and produce a crushing growth context. I also notice a deep sense of gratitude for the rich relationships I get to experience, knowing this is rare in a culture of isolation.
Let's pause
These lists and reflections are just one person's examples. When you look at what fosters healthy growth for you, what factors or groups of things do you notice?
A Springboard for Risk
I can remember a mentor describing safety and secure relationships as a crucial part of learning and growth. She gave the example of the kid who never could think of any questions in school, until they had a teacher that connected with them and made space for the vulnerability it takes to grow--and spontaneous curiosity came online with question after question from the kid. This transaltes for adults as well. Our brains just don't switch into learning, curiosity, or growth unless there is enough of a foundation to back it up.
This same mentor described safety as a 'springboard for risk'. The aim isn't to be all cozy forever with a wall of safety around you, but to use it as way into the difficult, confusing, and stretching areas of our lives.
Reminder to slow down
Who has been the biggest positive role model for healthy growth? It could be someone you know or someone you've seen on TV or in a story
Reflecting on Reflecting
In the next blog, we'll cover how a growth context can be negatively shaped. However, we've already started to touch on a few parts of ourselves that can show up in this picture: anxiety, shame, self-criticism, overwhelm, people-pleasing, and perfectionism (and many more).
When we reflect on an area of ourselves where we want to increase thriving, wholeness, or compassion, we can sometimes instead end up getting stuck in loops. This can look like when we criticize our inner critic. Or we get anxious that we'll never stop approaching growth from a place of anxiety.
I'd like to end here with my own example of tending to these parts and interrupting the loop with some gratitude, care, and processing. Think of it like having a conversation or writing a note for a part of yourself. So for me, I most struggled with a part of myself that overthinks. My note to this part of me might say, "Thank you for showing up during this, I know you're trying to help me see all the pieces in case I miss something important. It's seems so hard trying to stay on top of everything, you must be exausted! I'd like to invite you into a break where we go have some lunch and can rest from this for a while". This is one way of relating to this part of me that I know well, but others might find another avenue is needed.
If you're curious about growth or how to shape your growth context in a way that's nurturing---you can learn more about The Wholehearted.
A final thought
What's one piece of your 'growth context' that you want to celebrate the most right now?
